My cross to bear

As several reputable doctors can tell you, the back of my head is completely flat. Pancake flat, they've said. (You can look up the medical reports yourself, if you must. But it really is none of your business.) You see, my flat head is a hereditary condition passed down through the women in my family. And because of it -- like my mother before me and her mother before her -- I am able to nap nearly anywhere.

It really is a curse. Whenever I lay upon a bus station bench or a particularly cozy ironing board, it isn't long before the Sandman comes for a visit. And that is why many of you saw me fast asleep on the railroad tracks outside of the Jolly Roger's Market and Bakery on Saturday afternoon. Thank you for your concern, but I was not drunk again.

Dip. Nothing goes quite so well with an afternoon nap. And when I serve dip, I always offer my guests a basket of warm homemade crostini. They're delicious and a great way to get rid of those stale bread sticks you've been saving, too!

Crostini
Cut the breadsticks into small circles. (You can also use pita triangles, French bread or any other of the more decorative breads.) Slather the bread rounds with olive oil and sprinkle them liberally with salt and pepper. Cook at 350 degrees for 10 minutes.

Tears and Tacos

When my first husband died, I was devastated. When he later divorced me, I felt even worse. You see, it turns out divorcing someone from the grave is possible with a good lawyer. (I ended up using my cousin, Digger Shook. You can imagine...)
Anyway, one trip to Mexico later and I was single again.
There I was, alone in Tijuana with my life savings inside my handbag. That's when I met him....

Ron Zartman, owner of the El Gato Blanco Cafe, was everything my second husband wasn't -- tall, handsome and a with a bulge in his pants the size of my mother's handbag! (Big.) Sure, he turned out to be a scoundrel, but he gave me this recipe for guacamole and a ride back to Tempe. More about him later....

Zartman's Famous "Guac"
4 avocados
3 tbs. lemon juice
10 dashes of Tabasco
1/2 cup diced red onion
1 garlic clove, smashed
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. black pepper
1 tomato (seeded and diced)

Slice and cut the avocados into a "chutney-type" consistency. Add lemon juice, garlic, salt and pepper. Toss. Throw in the rest of the ingredients like a madcap and toss romantically. Serve with handsome blue tortilla chips.

Babette, left at the altar

My dear friend Babette Streisler has once again been left heartbroken prior to her wedding. (Perhaps the fifth time will be the charm. Poor Babette.) Anyway, have you heard of e-mail? I haven't. But apparently Babette's fiance used it to leave her at the altar! Can you imagine breaking someone's heart with an invention?

Well, in order to salvage the poor woman's reputation, the gals got together at Babette's house on Saturday evening. (After the party, we all decided that if poor Babette stays single any longer, the city's female bus drivers will just start assuming things about her. I mean, I even considered asking her to build me a deck the other day!)

Whenever I get invited to a party (which doesn't happen very often because people are very busy these days), I like to bring a smattering of albums from my record collection. (I feel it's my responsibility to help others learn to have good taste.) Here are a few I picked out especially for Babette...

Nature's Glory

After my third hysterectomy (the first two didn't "take"), I had a lot of time on my hands. You see, I was living with my neighbor Miss Massengill, and she wouldn't let me touch her stove, lest I burn her house down too!
And yet, I wanted tea.
Thank the good Lord for nature's glory. One morning, I accidentally dropped tea bags into the washtub. (I only had one pair of underpants and they needed to soak for a few days) And four hours later, I had tea! Now, Miss Massengill won't keep sugar in the house. (Her doctor, the famous Miami Beach plastic surgeon Dr. Gill Cheek, won't allow it. She is also unable to eat gluten.) So I sweetened the tea with nature's candy -- apple juice!

Sun Tea
3-5 bags Lipton Red Zinger tea
Apple juice to taste
Put the bags inside a clear glass jug and allow it to bask shamelessly in the sun for several hours. Sweeten with apple juice. Refrigerate.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

All I can say is this. Thank God I was at bingo that night in 1957! Not only did I win $50 and an Art Linkletter troll doll (a collector's item), but I avoided being reduced to human char and left for dead!
You see, my house burnt to the ground that night. (The crockpot hadn't been invented yet and I was slow-cooking my husband's shirts.) When I returned home from the bingo hall, all of my worldly possessions -- including the mattress with the embarrassing stain -- were layed out on the lawn, soaked with smoke and water. The only thing left was a picture of the house, two lemons and some sugar.
I immediately borrowed Miss Massengill's blender and voila! Lemonade!

Good attitude lemonade
1/4 cup fresh-squeezed lemon juice (about two lemons)
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 cups water
Fill blender with lemon juice, sugar and water. Fill to the top with ice. Blend. Pour into a lovely pitcher with the two remaining lemon hulls. Smile and think, "At least I'm not dead."

I've been thwarted in love again...

I have now been thrice jilted! Here's a sample of the letter my third husband sent me after he left me for that dog food model....

"Dear Gladys,
I've left you for Lois LaShay, the famous dog food model. I know what you're thinking. "How could you?" Well, it proceeded thusly...
I met Lois while working on the Dog-O account. Larry (You remember Larry Shank, right? The one with goiter?) and I were meeting with the executives at Dog-O when in walked a vision in peach organdy. I nearly spilled my Sanka! (Thanks for getting me off coffee, by the way. If there's one thing you know, it's my colon.)
I just had to ask Lois for lunch. We ate at Mahler's Pastries (43rd and B'way). I had apple pie with a chunk of yellow cheddar on top..."

At this point, the reading of the letter is usually obscured by bitter tears. So, what saved me from broken-hearted madness, you ask? Booze!
Here's a recipe for a very, very strong daiquiri I like to call "The Heartbreak Special." It was written on a place mat at Audie's Restaurant (Mackinaw City, Michigan.) And, believe me, after a few of these, the place mat wasn't the only thing I picked up! (I also picked up the tab for my husband and Lois LaShay, who were sitting across from me.)

Daiquiri (The Heartbreak Special)
Juice of 1/2 a small lime.
1 tsp. powered sugar
1 1/2 oz. light rum.
Shake with ice and strain...

Horny Highball

3 parts Vernors Ginger Ale
1 part whiskey
dash of bitters
garnish with cherries

Before my husband left me for that dog food model, this beverage was a favorite of his. He liked it so much he drank 12 to 16 a day!
"Gladys! Where's the godamn Vernors!" he'd shout. (He was from Michigan.) And I'd bring him his "rocket fuel," as he called it. That's when I'd know he was in the mood for love and it was time for me to turn on the television and get out my emory board!