Chunks of love

Have you heard of this machine called the crockpot? I haven't! Nevertheless, my obese friend "A" has given me a new recipe: Crockpot Chicken Cordon Bleu Rolls. Picture it: a bunch of chicken breasts, wrapped in swiss cheese and prosciutto. (I don't know what that is, so I plan to wrap mine in some of the fresher balonies.)

A note for the heftier ladies out there: "A" suggests using a whole can of cream of mushroom soup, instead of the half-can the recipe originally called for. (As I say, "A" is obese and struggles to find happiness. More than thrice I have found her down at the county fairgrounds, seeking the happiness only a toothless carny and an apple fritter can give a woman of her size...)

A's Crockpot Chicken Cordon Bleu Rolls
6 chicken breasts (pounded by chubby hands to 1/4-inch think.
6 slices prosciutto
6 thin slices Swiss cheese
salt, pepper
Can of cream of mushroom soup
1/4 cup milk
1/4 cup white wine.

Place one slice prosciutto and one slice cheese on each chicken breast. Roll and secure with a toothpick. (Note: Do not use a bobby pin.) Season each with salt and pepper ("A" also suggests adding Thyme, but I think she's just trying to sound thin.)Put the whole lot in the crockpot. Whisk together soup, milk and wine and pour over the chicken rolls. Cover, cook on low 4-6 hours or high 3-4 hours.

From a reader...

Dear Hostess,
I am writing in hopes of some personal advice. Over the years, I have had my share of loves and losses. Recently while visiting our local mall (in search of some comfy new feather pillows), I saw the man of my dreams. He is a 4'2" mall walker sporting a neatly trimmed salt-and-pepper beard and wearing a black sleeveless turtleneck, camo pants, a mesh trucker hat (hey, cool!) while 'jamming' to something on his headphones (talk radio, I expect). As he breezed past me in front of my favorite scrap-booking store, I was affronted by the overwhelming scent of his Aqua Velva. I was immediately smitten. How can I get his attention?
Sincerely,
Head over heels

Dear Heels,
It's not everyday you find the mall-walking midget of your dreams. (Unless you're my dear friend Elsie, who, as we've discovered has "self esteem issues" in addition to her yeast problem.) So, congratulations. However, may I suggest caution? You see, men who "walk the mall" are known womanizers! Believe me, I've fallen for a few of this lot. (Although I admit, I've had trouble keeping up with them. One of my legs is four inches longer than the other, hence my corrective shoe.)
However, even if he is one of those "mall hounds," I suggest going for it, as you sound desperate! And the best way to a man's heart, as they say, is through either his nose or his stomach. I prefer to go the stomach route. In other words, invite him over, fill him full of booze -- and wear cotton to avoid a rash! For seductive times, I prefer a hot glass of glogg.

Glogg
1 750-milliliter bottle dry red wine
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup gin, vodka or both
1/4 cup sugar
Peel from one orange
8 inch cinnamon stick, broken
6 whole cloves
2 cardamom pods, opened
1/4 cup almonds

Stir the wine, raisins, booze and sugar together. Put all the spices in a cheesecloth bag and tie with a twisty. (I use the cheesecloth from my second husband's toupee, but that's for sentimental reasons.) Add the cheesecloth to the water and heat until simmering. Simmer for a while, about 10 minutes, but for God's sake don't boil it. Stir in the almonds just before serving it.

Oops I done did it again

That's right, folks. I've been left at the altar again! Picture me, in my cream pantsuit, covered in baby's breath -- I'd been watching my sister's grandchild. Being barren, I've never been able to have one of my own, although I'm a great collector of Marie Osmond's dolls! -- and wondering "where the boys are."
You see, it turned out my recent whirlwind romance was just that. Wind. Consequently, I've been on a many months-long bender since. (Don't worry girls, there is a silver lining. I've been able to catch several episodes of a great little show called "Ghost Whisperer," about a dead stripper who solves crimes!)
Nevertheless, I'm back ... and ready to "dish" the recipes from the "honeymooners" cookbook I no longer have any need for!
Here's a recipe for lime or orange parfait. I originally planned this treat for my honeymoon dinner. Alas, instead of a groom and parfait, I ended up dancing alone to "Muskrat Love" in front of several coworkers and a few friends. (I have no children, as I have mentioned.)
Lime or orange parfait.
Place alternate layers of lime or orange ice or sherbet and vanilla ice cream in chilled parfait glasses or sherbet cups. Top with salty tears.